


Missing Memories

by Lozlozwf4l



Category: Castle
Genre: Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-09
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 22:42:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lozlozwf4l/pseuds/Lozlozwf4l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin Ryan was shot. Now he has lost all memories of the last few years, he doesn't remember the team or working at the 12th. To make matters worse he has a wife he can't remember and a crush on another detective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so please be kind and enjoy!

Kevin Ryan woke up in a hospital bed with no memory of how he had gotten there. For the first few seconds all he was aware of was the fact he was in hospital as his brain struggled to remember how he had gotten into this mess. Eventually his last memory came to him, standing on a kerb crying his eyes out with a bag of his things clutched tightly to his chest. He remembered the panic, wondering where he would go and then calling the only person he could think to call. His mother. He had no memory of making the call, no idea what had happened next. 

The next thing Kevin Ryan became aware of was the pain, it hit him suddenly and at first he couldn't figure out where it was coming from, only that it was ripping through his entire body. Then he pinpointed the location it was coming from, the majority was from his shoulder, then the side of his head. As his awareness grew even more, he realised he was not alone in the room. Another man was sitting in the chair next to his bed, he was sleeping, but looked a wreck, like this was the only sleep he had had in a very long while. Kevin Ryan had never seen this man before in his life, why would he be sitting next to him? Why would he be so torn up?

The pain intensified as whatever painkillers Ryan was on wore of. He cried out in pain when he moved a little. The other man opened his eyes quickly and snapped his head round to see Ryan. He seemed both concerned and relieved at the same time and Ryan wondered why he would care at all. The man held himself like a cop, but he wasn't a protection detail. If he was he would be outside Ryan’s door and he would be in uniform.  
“Kev, oh my god, you’re awake! I’ll call a nurse!” He wasn't a work acquaintance because Ryan didn't know him and if he was he wouldn't call him Kev, he would call him Ryan.  
The nurse arrived and began checking up on him, she shone a light into his eyes and then asked him how he was feeling. Ryan was a cop, he didn't complain, so he told her he was fine, just a bit sore. Then she asked him what the last thing he remembered was. He hesitated, thinking back, scared of exposing his vulnerability with his last memory. In the end he told the truth.  
“The last thing is remember is standing on the street corner outside my apartment, what was my apartment…” The memories are tender and speaking them out loud brings tears to his eyes. He doesn't want to be here crying in front of some nurse and a random guy he’s never met. “I was holding my stuff… where is my stuff, have you found it?” The man had this very confused expression on his face, like he expected a different answer. “I was trying to figure out where to go, I was going to call my mother because… well I had no one else to call… then… well, that’s all I remember.” Ryan was embarrassed as he told his story, it was pathetic that he had no one else to call but his mother. It was even more pathetic that tears were streaming down his face. The man looked really confused now.  
“What the hell? When was this? Why didn't you call me? Don’t you remember being shot?” He had a nice voice, Ryan decided. Then he realised what the man had said. He was shot, that explained why he was in hospital.  
“Why would I call you? I don’t know you.” Ryan replied. There was a sharp intake of breath from, the other man. The nurse nodded as if that was what she expected.  
“Mr Ryan, you got shot while working, once to the shoulder and a bullet grazed the side of your head. Your wounds are not severe but as I suspected you have amnesia. There is no telling when or if your memories will come back, but your shoulder should heal nicely and we will have you out of here in a few days.” She said it so casually, as if she wasn't messing with everything Ryan knew. As if she wasn't telling him that he had lost who knows how many years of his life. The other man looked as horrified as Ryan felt, Ryan wondered if this man was his boyfriend. He liked that idea a lot. 

After the nurse left the other man continued to stare at Ryan. He was really quite good looking even if he looked worn down.  
“You don’t remember me at all, do you?” He asked and Ryan shook his head.  
“I'm sorry. I really am.” He said.  
“My name is Javier Esposito. I am your partner at the 12th. We've been working together for years now, bro.” He looked really genuinely upset. If he was from work chances were they were not a couple. But why did he call him Kev rather than Ryan?  
“Kevin Ryan. I mean you already knew that, but you were introducing yourself and…” Ryan felt so lost. What the hell was he supposed to do? Esposito looked like he might actually cry. Ryan wondered if Esposito was going to leave any time soon, but it didn't look like it. He stopped thinking about it as the painkillers took him into a deep sleep.

*****

Javier Esposito was still sitting on the chair in Ryan’s bare hospital room. It would feel wrong to old his hand now that Ryan was practically a stranger. But it had been necessary before, when Esposito had hugged Ryan’s hand to his chest and begged him to get better. He watched as Ryan slept peacefully, no sign of trouble on his face, like he hadn't lost years of his life, like he was still Esposito’s best friend. It didn’t take long for Castle and Beckett to show up again, wondering if he was better.  
“How’s he doing?” Beckett asked, worry on her face. She knew Ryan almost as well as Esposito knew him, but was not quite as close as he was to Ryan.  
“He’s sleeping.” Esposito said, stating the opposite because he wasn’t ready to tell Beckett the terrible news. “He woke up earlier… he was okay, the doctor tells me he will be fine, he will have a scar on his shoulder and a small scar on the side of his head, he will recover fully in a few months, he will be able to go back to work in a month and will be home from hospital in a week. But… he, um… he has… well the shot to his head… it was only a graze but… he, he has amnesia. He doesn't remember us, his memories don’t reach the 12th, he has all his memories up until a certain point, then nothing.” The last sentence was so hard to say, he stumbled over it and then just spat it out. Beckett looked upset and sympathetic. Castle, who was behind her, gasped and looked mildly horrified, he hadn’t known Ryan for anywhere near as long as Esposito and Beckett had known him, but the two of them were close. Whenever Beckett and Castle were disputing something Ryan always took Castle’s side while Esposito took Beckett’s side.

Ryan stirred, went to roll over and couldn't. Slowly his eyes opened. Seeing him looking so vulnerable pulled at Esposito’s heart slightly. He had a strange urge to wrap Ryan in his arms and protect him from everything. How could he have let him get shot?  
“We could the bastard who did it.” Beckett said looking at Ryan who just looked confused. “We caught the man who shot you. He won’t bother you again.” She looked at him again and then realised he didn't know who she was. “Oh, um… I'm detective Kate Beckett and I work with you at the 12th. We were working on a case when you got shot.” Esposito could see that she didn't know what else to say so he introduced Castle.  
“This is Richard Castle. He isn't a cop, he’s an author but he works with us because he is Beckett’s shadow.” Ryan nodded at them both but didn't speak. The room was filled with an awkward silence until Castle spoke.  
“I can’t believe you don’t remember us. This must be really tough for you.” He said, Ryan looked at him.  
“Yeah, it’s not pleasant.” Esposito wanted to slap Ryan for breaking his heart and then wandered why he felt so torn up about Ryan being hurt. Maybe it was because the man never admitted to being injured and always tried to act strong.

After Ryan had spent a few days on the hospital the doctor told him that he wasn't allowed to be on his own for a few weeks and so Esposito called Jenny. He had to endure her crying and gushing about how worried she was for ages before she told him that she couldn't get back from her business trip for a few days but then she would get on the first plane home. Esposito didn't know what to do. He couldn't just leave his partner in hospital so he told Ryan that he could stay with him until Jenny got back. He mentally kicked himself when he saw Ryan look even more confused at the mention of Jenny. Of course he didn't know who she was. The decision to invite Ryan home went against his better judgement. Hell, who knows what he would do if... That thought was ridiculous. They were just friends, not even friends now that Ryan no longer remembered him.

*****

The car journey was very quiet. Ryan wondered why Esposito would invite him to stay. They must be very close. Again he wondered if they were more than friends. Ryan certainly wouldn't mind if they were. But dating someone he worked with wasn't his style. Since the incident at the first police department Ryan had worked for, he didn't come out to people in the work place so he would never date anyone from work.

Before Ryan had been invited to Esposito's house Esposito had made a phone call to a girl called Jenny, who was apparently out of town. This "Jenny" was who he was originally meant to stay with. He wondered how he knew her and why she would be the first person he was sent to.

The whole world was slightly too bright and Ryan's head ached. It was almost like having a hang over. But he had been shot and had lost years worth of memories. Suddenly the world was unfamiliar, not because it had changed but because it still felt like a few days after the break up. As they drove through the streets Ryan marvelled at the way everything was the same. Except from a few things like how that clothes store used to be a toy shop and that graffiti is new. He had almost expected the world to have changed drastically during the time of his missing memories. He almost expected to come outside like Captain America to see a huge scary new world. Instead it was the same world he had left after the break up when his memories stopped.

As he studied the too bright world outside the window, flashing by as they drove, he felt eyes watching him intently. He turned to see Esposito's gaze fixed on the road, almost too focussed on driving. The silence became obvious again.  
"It hasn't changed" Ryan said to break the build up of tension in the car. "It doesn't feel like all those years of my memories are missing. It feels like it has only been that week in hospital since... since, the last time I was out here." He couldn't bring himself to talk about the break up, not to Esposito who was being so kind to him, who thought they were friends when all Ryan saw was a stranger. The break up may have been years ago but Ryan's heart was freshly broken.

Panic began to build up in Ryan's stomach as he recognised the area. As they got closer it spread to his lungs. His hands shook and he struggled to breathe. Esposito turned to him, to ask what was wrong as Ryan said, "we can't go this way." They were getting closer to it. "Turn around, detour, go right. Please, we can't go that way!" Esposito heard the panic in Ryan's voice so he pulled over to the side of the road. From behind them a car horn honked.  
"What the hell is this about, just calm down and tell me what the hell is going on." The panic was beginning to fade, but it was still strong in Ryan's throat.  
"I just can't go that way." He said ashamed of how he had acted in front of this man who was just a stranger to him.

*****

The car was pulled into the kerb and Esposito watched Ryan intently. He had never seen Ryan like that before; so upset, afraid and vulnerable. It sent a wave of heartbreak through him. Especially after Ryan's reply, he he always had a reason even if it was stupid.  
"Why, bro? You are clearly not okay and there has to be a reason for it. I was just driving for god's sake." As he said this Ryan hung his head and Esposito felt terrible for embarrassing him. He placed a hand on Ryan's good shoulder, ignoring how he could feel the heat of his skin through his clothes. "Listen bro, you don't have to tell me, but I'd like to know why I have to detour to get to my home, so if you feel like talking... I know you don't remember but you usually tell me everything. If you do want to talk, I'll listen." Esposito began to drive again, turning right and heading the long way home. He glanced at Ryan every few minutes to see how he was doing. He no longer looked so upset but he still looked ashamed. Esposito's eyes were drawn to the cut on Ryan's head and then to his bright blue eyes. He was desperately curious as to why Ryan felt he couldn't drive down that road, but he didn't ask any more questions. 

When they pulled up outside Esposito hopped out of the car then turned to see Ryan wincing in pain as he undid his seatbelt. Esposito opened Ryan's door for him like a chauffeur or... no, like a chauffeur. Ryan climbed out of the car and Esposito watched him carefully as he walked towards the building.  
"Is it familiar to you?" Esposito asked but Ryan shook his head. "Maybe you will remember my apartment." He had to keep up hope that all Ryan's memories would return. Then they could go back to being brothers, closer than brothers even if it wasn't quite what Esposito wanted... Where did that come from! Of course he wanted them to be brothers again, what else would he want? Esposito had to stop his mind from continuing down the path it was on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I've been ill and then busy. I really hope you enjoy this chapter.

The apartment brought back no memories for Ryan and that frustrated him to no end. He didn’t want to be the useless guy who couldn’t remember anything. He wanted to fit in again, to understand what was happening. He realised that he didn’t even know where he lived after being kicked out of the apartment he had shared with his boyfriend. As he looked around the room, trying desperately to bring even a slight sense of familiarity to himself, Esposito went into the kitchen and began to get things out of the cupboards. Ryan didn’t know what else to do but follow, so he walked into the kitchen behind Esposito and stood very still, trying not to touch anything. When Esposito turned around he smiled and pointed at a stool for Ryan to sit down on.  
“Take a seat bro.” He said, his tone friendly. Questions danced in Ryan’s mind: who the hell was Jenny, where did he live now, how close was he to Esposito and many more queries. He didn’t know where to begin so he didn’t say anything, he just watched as Esposito prepared a meal of some sort.

After a few minutes Esposito placed a microwave pizza in front of Ryan. The smell hit his nostrils as he realised just how hungry he was. All he had eaten was hospital food since he woke up and he was not a fan of hospital food. This pizza however was delicious. It had all his favourite toppings as if Esposito had known exactly what he liked to eat, which probably wasn’t too far from the truth. Because Ryan wasn’t allowed alcohol for a little while Esposito made them both coffee and sat down opposite him.  
“Ask me anything.” Esposito said. Ryan presumed he was trying to make sure he caught up. He knew that Esposito just wanted him to be the same Ryan that he knew. “Go on, I’ll answer to the best of my abilities.” Ryan randomly selected a question from the hundreds circulating in his head.  
“Who is Jenny? You called her earlier, you said she was out of town. It seemed like she was who I was supposed to stay with but I don’t know who she is.” The room went quiet for a minute before Esposito spoke.  
“Bro, Jenny is your wife.” Wife? Ryan couldn’t figure out why he would have a wife considering he had just broken up with his boyfriend, years ago but still. The keyword was boyfriend. Married that was insane, Ryan wouldn’t get married it wasn’t him. He swallowed.  
“My wife? I have a wife? How … Why would I have a wife?” He couldn’t get his head around why he would marry someone he couldn’t possibly love. Esposito just looked concerned. Ryan felt embarrassed, he didn’t know himself at all. “I’m tired, should I just crash on the couch?” Esposito nodded and went to fetch him a duvet.

*****

Esposito was shocked at how Ryan reacted to the news he was married. He knew it would come as a surprise, like him waking up one day and finding he was married to someone. Yes it would be strange. But Ryan seamed completely startled, like a law of physics had been broken, like gravity didn’t work for a moment. Esposito wandered what would make that news seem quite as drastic as it did. Then he dismissed the thought, getting married was a life changing thing, of course he was shocked. He had missed a life key moment in his own life, that had to be startling.

Esposito dropped the blankets and pillow onto the sofa for Ryan who thanked him before asking where the bathroom was. Esposito pointed him towards it before realising Ryan had no clothes to wear after he showered. Esposito went through his wardrobe to find something Ryan could wear. He pulled out an old pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. They looked like they would fit Ryan, maybe slightly too loose. He laid the clothes out on his bed and yelled to Ryan to tell him they were there. Because the bathroom could only be accessed by Esposito’s bedroom Esposito went back into the main room in his apartment to avoid running into Ryan wrapped in a towel. Even if… He began to tidy up the dishes from the meal they had eaten earlier, even if the dishes just meant two plates and two mugs. After that he had nothing to do so he sat back on the sofa. His mind wandered as he listened to the shower running, trying to ignore the very inappropriate image that had just appeared in his mind. He had no idea where it came from, but it was distracting.  
After a while Ryan came out from the bedroom, his hair wet and messy, dressed in Esposito’s old clothes. Again Esposito had to battle away other thoughts in his mind, thought’s that just did not belong in his mind, especially because Ryan was his partner. But the truth was these thoughts had been going on for a long time before Ryan had been shot. Maybe they were too close. He snapped out of his daydreaming as Ryan sat down beside him on the sofa and yawned, wrapping the blanket around himself, in such an adorable way. He looked like a kid after a long day in the snow, exhausted. Part of Esposito wanted to hand him hot chocolate. Instead he went into his bedroom so Ryan could sleep on the sofa. 

Esposito wasn’t the least bit tired yet, but he didn’t want to sit over Ryan while he slept, he wasn’t creepy. Also he was scared of what would happen if he was left alone with Ryan while he slept. Again he wondered where his thoughts were coming from and why they filled him with such a wonderful feeling. Alone in his room with no distractions he couldn’t help thinking about Ryan’s bright blue eyes and his lips that looked so… He shook his head. This was getting ridiculous, he couldn’t keep thinking like this. An early night had to be easier than fighting off these thoughts that filled him with warmth but were definitely a bad thing.

The room was bathed in a warm yellow glow when Esposito woke up. He rolled over and pulled the covers tighter around himself as his mind began to drift back to sleep. The peace was shattered by a small thud from the other room. Esposito rushed out of bed and threw open the door to find out what was going on. He saw Ryan lying in a tangle of blanket and limbs, sprawled on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table. Esposito didn’t think for a moment about the fact he was only wearing boxers, which was what he preferred to sleep in, before rushing to Ryan’s side to help him up. Ryan moaned in pain as his bad shoulder moved, but Esposito managed to get him back on the sofa by wrapping his arms around Ryan’s waist and pulling him up gently. When Ryan was back on the sofa he lifted his head to look at Esposito, who realised their faces where suddenly very close together. So close that he could just lean forward slightly and kiss Ryan. They would be a sight right now, Ryan in Esposito’s clothes, Esposito practically naked with Ryan wrapped in his arms, their eyes locked. After a few long moments where Esposito was too busy thinking about Ryan’s lips and getting lost in his eyes, they pulled apart. The air practically crackled with the tension, which had suddenly become very awkward.  
“I should go…” Esposito mumbled before walking back into the bedroom, leaving Ryan on the sofa staring after him.

*****

Ryan sat on the sofa, his head spinning. He could still feel the heat of the other man’s arms around his waist, still recall exactly how he had looked, fresh out of bed as he came to Ryan’s rescue. And he was handsome, incredibly handsome. Would Esposito have kissed him? Maybe the only reason they weren’t together was because Ryan had a different boyfriend. Oh, no! He remembered them talking about Jenny last night, Jenny who was his wife! Maybe it was just because of her. Maybe if Jenny wasn’t in the picture Esposito would have made a move or something. How was Ryan supposed to know? The only things he had to judge from was from the short amount of time he had known this man from, and every moment seemed pretty intimate. A small part of him wanted to just ask Esposito if there was anything going on between them, but what if he remembered and it somehow ruined the life of the other him. The other him? Was that what he should call it, was that the right name for him before he lost all his memories? It was all so confusing and terrible. Not to mention the fact that whenever he closed his eyes he saw his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend’s face as they broke up.

It had been the worst day of his life. They had been in love, or at least Ryan had been in love. He thought they were meant to be together, he thought he had found the one. But he had been cheated on, his boyfriend had been with someone else. Not only that but he was breaking up with Ryan for this other person and keeping the apartment. It was technically his apartment, but Ryan had moved in a long while ago and a while after that he had sold his old apartment. On that day, when Ryan had come home from work to find his boyfriend waiting with a very serious expression on his face, he had begged, pleaded and completely degraded himself. The thought made him feel sick. It wasn’t like him, he was stronger than that normally, but he had been so in love. He still was. And the truth of it was, if he saw his boyfriend again, he would probably revert back to the begging, even if he convinced himself that he would get angry. He was angry, he was furious and he was hurt, but he still felt like maybe he could go back to the way things were. He also knew that it had been years even if it didn’t feel like it. He should be over this, he probably had been, but now the wound was open again.

When Esposito came out of the bedroom again, he had showered and was fully dressed. There was still a lot of tension in the air. Ryan snapped out of his daydreaming and wiped his eyes, he hadn’t been crying or anything, they were just watery. To avoid Esposito seeing him not crying, he got up and walked through the bedroom into the bathroom to get showered and dressed. He realized he had no clothes again, so he freshened up before leaving the bathroom.  
“Umm, I have no clothes here and I was wandering if we could go to my place to pick up some things.” Ryan mumbled. He was normally more confident than this, but he was in a stranger’s house asking to go to a home he didn’t know anything about to get things that he had probably never seen before. He thought being nervous was probably completely justified.

Esposito knew exactly where Ryan’s apartment was, but then Ryan had guessed that he would. Somehow the keys that Ryan had had when he was shot were safe and Esposito used them to unlock the door. The place was not familiar to Ryan at all, it just felt like had had walked into someone else’s house. There were pictures of him and a woman together, they looked happy – he looked happy. He walked over to the picture and picked it up. Jenny was pretty, but he didn’t feel anything towards her just looking at the picture. He still had no clue why he married her.  
“That’s Jenny, your wife. Do you remember?” Esposito asked. Ryan shook his head, looking around at the rest of the apartment. Nothing in there sparked anything in his mind, not even a tiny feeling of familiarity. It was frustrating, he hated being in a place that was supposed to be his home, but felt completely unconnected to him. Ryan placed the picture back where he found it and walked through to his bedroom, he rummaged through his wardrobe to pick out some clothes that looked like clothes he would wear. He saw that his taste in clothing was mainly unchanged although there were a few hideous ties that he wouldn’t be seen dead in. There was one other thing he wanted. The box that he was sure to have made with everything connected to his boyfriend in it. That’s what he did after break-ups. He put everything away in a box. 

He found the box tucked away in a small closet, it was marked with his name, scribbled on harshly in handwriting that was Ryan only used when he was truly angry or upset. He tucked the box in the bag he was using along with his clothes. When he left the bedroom Esposito was still milling about in the apartment. Ryan carried the bag with his good arm until Esposito saw he was struggling with it and carried it for him to the car. They travelled together in silence for a long time before Esposito spoke: “It didn’t bring back any memories at all?” He seemed so desperate for Ryan to remember, so desperate to have his best friend back.  
“No, it was just a house with my things in it. In fact a lot of that stuff was new to me. I left the last place I remember living with very little. It wasn’t a bad place though, I can almost picture myself living there.” Ryan didn’t really want to talk about the apartment, although it was a nice living space, there was clear evidence that it was shared with a girl. A woman that he didn’t know, lived in the house that was supposed to be his. He knew he was meant to stay here with her when she returned, but the idea of staying with her terrified him. He knew that if she loved him it would hurt her when she saw how he didn’t remember her. And what if she pressured him to try and remember, it wasn’t that simple, he was trying but nothing was coming back to him. What if he could never love her again? He was still struggling to understand how he could have loved her at all, she wasn’t his type after all.

When they were back at Esposito’s Ryan could see he was getting restless. It was part of being a cop, that feeling when you just couldn’t completely relax. After cases was great, you could have fun, chill, forget the stress of work, but after too long you began to see cases everywhere, you began to itch for another case, for something to do. Ryan felt like that now, he wanted to be working, if only to distract himself from the break up. They tried playing video games but Ryan’s head hurt when he looked at the screen for too long, so they had to stop. Esposito was so concerned about him even though he tried to pretend it was no big deal. Now Esposito was just pacing, he was trying to think of something they could do.  
“We could… we could watch a movie!” He said but Ryan shook his head. A movie involved a screen and the screen hurt his head. He hoped the headaches would ease off soon like the doctor had said they would because they were really quiet painful and he couldn’t hide the fact he was in pain from Esposito. 

In the end Esposito sat down to catch up on paperwork at the kitchen counter. Ryan sat down on the sofa and pulled the box out of his bag. He would prefer more privacy rather than having Esposito just a little way away. But as long as he didn’t see the contents of the box it would be okay. Ryan slowly opened the box, and paused. He really missed his boyfriend but he had been cheated on. He wasn’t pathetic, he shouldn’t be sitting here like some heartbroken teenager. But he really needed to just see his face again. He needed to remind himself that it was real, he had been in this relationship. It felt almost like a dream at the moment because no one else he had encountered had any clue. What if he had never been in this relationship and it was all a hallucination, a dream he had had when he was in hospital? He slipped his fingers into the box and pulled out an old photo. It was from way back when they had barely started dating, still nervous after all the dates they had had before, still desperate to impress each other. Both of them looked happy, so innocent. The relationship was so fresh, it was beautiful. Ryan felt tears prick his eyes as he pulled out the next thing in the box. Tickets from a movie they had seen together. He spread the pictures and relics out on the lid of the table, making sure Esposito was busy with his paperwork. His eyes stuck on the most recent picture. Again they looked so full of joy, so perfect together. Their arms were wrapped around each other’s waists and they stood together so close they could have been connected, leaning into the contact.

Ryan had no idea how long he stared at the contents of the box, his vision was blurred with tears by the time he heard a movement from Esposito. He quickly pushed everything back into the box and dried his eyes. Esposito sank onto the couch next to him. Ryan said nothing, not trusting his voice, because if he spoke one word Esposito would hear that he had been crying.  
“Are you okay bro?” Esposito asked, glancing from Ryan’s red eyes to the box that was hugged to his chest. Ryan still didn’t want to speak so he just nodded. “You sure? You can tell me you know.” Esposito’s tone was so caring, so concerned and it just made everything worse.  
“I’m fine, I was just remembering stuff…” Ryan said, his voice cracking in that weak, after crying, way. “I just… It’s hard. My life just… there’s a hole in it, you know. I just go from one day to the next years later. I don’t know any of the people who know me and I’m married to someone I don’t remember.” The room was very still for a few moments before Ryan felt Esposito’s hand on his good shoulder.  
“I get that it’s tough, bro, but I swear I will help you. You might remember at any time and even if… if you don’t remember, you can still talk to me. We can start again, okay?” And it was reassuring even if Ryan could hear how desperately Esposito wanted him to remember. When Esposito’s hand dropped from his shoulder Ryan wanted it back desperately, he loved the warmth of Esposito’s hand through his shirt. A reckless part of him wanted to lean back into Esposito and see what happened, or turn around and kiss him. But the rational part of his mind, the cautious part, told him not to. There must have been a reason that he hadn’t made a move on this guy, he had known him longer than he had known Jenny after all. What if he had done something and Esposito had rejected him, it would make everything really uncomfortable if he tried something again. So Ryan put the box back into that bag and grabbed some clean clothes before heading off to the bathroom.

That night as he lay on the sofa, he thought about Esposito. He thought about Esposito kissing him, about so much more than that and when he slept he dreamt the same things. He was still dreaming them when he fell off the sofa in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Esposito rushed out of his bedroom when he heard the thud of Ryan hitting the floor. This time Ryan had landed on his bad shoulder and he cried out in pain. Esposito was hauling him back onto the sofa in a matter of seconds before taking in how amazing he looked, with his hair all messy from sleep. Once again they had become tangled on the sofa with Esposito in his underwear. He wanted so badly to lean closer to Ryan, to change everything. But he wouldn’t take advantage of the fact that this Ryan wasn’t truly the Ryan he knew. No, this was crazy and as soon as the old Ryan came back these crazy thoughts would disappear, right? Honestly, at the back of his mind Esposito knew that they would never leave, knew that he just had to face the fact that he li… it was a very distant part of his brain: A crazy, romantic, irrational side of his brain. Esposito got off of the sofa, distancing himself from the beautiful distractions in his brain, and walked back into his bedroom, for the second day running.

When Esposito came out of his room he made breakfast for the two of them. They began to chat easily about simple things. Ryan seemed to want to introduce himself as he was now, he spoke about his interests which didn’t differ much from the one’s had had with his memories. He was missing memories of a lot of good movies though. Esposito felt like it was very important to fill him in on the films he was missing. He realised that they had gone to see a lot of movies together over the years they had known each other for. He remembered each experience fondly, they were the times he had bonded with his friend. It was important for them to be close, they had to have each other’s backs. Ryan had understood. Esposito wondered if he still did.

Ryan continued to wake up by falling off the sofa and Esposito continued to rush in and haul him back up for three more days. Every single time, he felt the same things as he wrapped his arms around Ryan to lift him up without hurting him. He had started to sleep in more clothing so he wasn’t in his underwear when he ran in to help. It really wasn’t helping Ryan’s shoulder, the whole sofa thing. But it didn’t matter now. Jenny had just called to say she was about to get on the plane home. Something sunk in Esposito’s chest. He had become used to having Ryan here, used to those precious moments in the morning when they were so close. He was going to miss the company. His apartment was going to seem so empty when Ryan was no longer there. 

Esposito sighed to himself. He was watching Ryan out of the corner of his eye as he video called Beckett. He’d been “working from home” since Ryan was let out of hospital. Soon Ryan would be back with Jenny and he would be back at work. For now he was watching as Beckett gave him a tour of the crime scene. Ryan was sprawled out on the sofa, looking through the contents of that box he had brought back from his apartment. It always seemed to upset him and Esposito was desperate to know what was in it. He wanted Ryan to stop looking in the box because the tears on Ryan’s cheeks were heart-breaking and he got the urge to wipe them away with his fingertips.  
“You paying attention, Espo? “ Becket asked as she noticed the way he was staring off to the edge of the shot. Esposito sat straighter and ripped his eyes back to the screen quickly in case Beckett found out what he was looking at. What if she realised how he was beginning to feel, or more accurately what he was just realising he had felt for a long time. He suddenly felt very guilty and he was sure she could see right through him. “Focus, alright, it took me a long time to convince Gates to let you work like this. What are your thoughts so far?”

After he had finished video chatting with Beckett he collected all the key points from the crime scene into a document. Beckett would keep him in the loop, texting him every new lead so he could be on top of the case. He missed the action that came from being in there in person, but Ryan needed him to stay. Sometimes Ryan got really dizzy and would stumble or fall if he was upright, he still got terrible headaches, although he got them less frequently than before. There were little moments of confusion as well, when Ryan seemed to forget where he was and what he was doing. He was no longer allowed in the kitchen. Esposito still saw him with that knife when he closed his eyes. He had been cooking for Esposito to make up for being in his home, although Esposito had told him it was no bother. Esposito had wandered out of the room to call Beckett and tell her his new theory on a case. When he came back Ryan was standing there gazing into space, he was still holding the knife, so loosely in his hand that it might fall at any second, right onto his feet. Esposito got there just in time to catch it from his loose hands as it slipped. He placed it on the counter and pulled Ryan to his chest to steady him. Who knows what would happen to Ryan if Esposito brought him to a crime scene. 

*****

Esposito had told him that Jenny was coming but they had both forgotten it until Esposito got a text saying she had landed. Now nerves filled Ryan’s stomach, butterflies were using his body as a playground. He was about to meet his wife. A person he didn’t even remember, a person who was almost definitely in love with him. What was he supposed to do? He hid his box inside his suitcase and snuggled into the blanket on the sofa. It seemed that a side effect of his injury was drowsiness as he was always so tired. He decided the best thing to do while waiting for Jenny was to nap. He knew it was inconvenient for Esposito to have Ryan lying on his sofa all day, but he was too tired to care. Esposito seemed alright with sitting at the kitchen counter anyway.

Ryan was asleep when Jenny arrived, but the sound of her and Esposito talking woke him up. For once, he had woken up still on the sofa, he was grateful for that at least. When she noticed he was awake she rushed over to him and kissed him. It was one of the most awkward moments of his life. She was cupping his face with her hands and her lips pressed to his. He didn’t know how to respond so he was just letting her kiss him without kissing back. After a long while, Jenny pulled back and looked into Ryan’s eyes.  
“Kevin,” she whispered gently, “you don’t remember at all do you?” She sounded so heart broken, so miserable. Ryan felt awful, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.  
“No, I’m sorry, but Esposito tells me that you’re my wife.” It clearly wasn’t the right thing to say because she whimpered very quietly like a puppy. She was very beautiful but Ryan didn’t feel anything when he looked at her. He still didn’t know why they were married.

Jenny had left Esposito’s in tears. Ryan didn’t feel like it was his fault. She had been all over him, making him uncomfortable and he had asked her to back off because she was just a stranger to him. She didn’t take it at all well. Ryan did feel bad about the fact that he was still in Esposito’s house. Esposito was probably sick of having to look after him. He had thought he would be out of Esposito’s hair but it wasn’t to be.  
“Never mind, maybe we’ll try again tomorrow when she’s more used to the fact you don’t remember, okay?” Esposito asked. Ryan, however, didn’t feel like it could ever work with Jenny unless he remembered. She was too emotional and she would just keep hurting. He didn’t want to be responsible for her heartbreak. If he lived with her she would be constantly reminded of the fact he didn’t remember. And she would smother him. She would treat him as if he still remembered, as if he was still in love. It would be like living with a stranger. A stranger who was also your wife. Ryan couldn’t deal with that. 

The next morning Ryan woke with a start as his bad shoulder hit the floor. He tried to muffle his cry of pain but Esposito rushed in. It has become something of a routine for them.  
“This can’t continue, it isn’t doing your shoulder any good.” Esposito said. “Maybe we should swap. I’ll take the sofa and you can take the bed.” Ryan didn’t want to bother Esposito any further, seeing as he was already imposing in his life.  
“It’s okay, really. I don’t want to be any trouble.” Ryan said, although the idea of a nice comfy bed was very appealing to him.  
“I insist. You can’t get better if you don’t get to rest. Plus, I’ll be able to watch telly in the evenings. It’s a win win situation.” Ryan eventually agreed with him because the sofa was uncomfortable and hitting his shoulder everyday really hurt. 

That night Ryan fell asleep immediately in Esposito’s bed. Esposito had cleaned the sheets but it still smelt like him and Ryan breathed deeply as he lay sprawled out on the bed. He finally had room to sleep rather than lying on that sofa. He did feel sorry for Esposito but he could hear the telly playing faintly through the walls. It didn’t take Ryan long to fall asleep at all. He drifted off in the safe comfort of Esposito’s bed. In the morning he didn’t know where he was and woke with a start, jolting upright. Pain shot through him from his shoulder and he had to pause because of a wave of dizziness. He showered and got dressed before heading into the other room where Esposito was still asleep on the sofa. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. Ryan made himself coffee even though he was banned from the kitchen. He wanted to make breakfast for him and Esposito when he woke up, but he knew that it was dangerous because he apparently blanked out sometimes. 

When Esposito woke up, Ryan was sat at the kitchen counter drinking his coffee. He watched as Esposito stretched slowly. He really did look amazing like that. Ryan could imagine just kissing him once when his eyes were closed to properly wake him up. He could imagine the surprise it would be for Esposito. But he could also image awkwardness afterwards because Esposito didn’t see them that way. When Esposito opened his eyes Ryan looked down into his coffee mug so that Esposito wouldn’t know Ryan had been watching him. Esposito walked through to the bathroom and Ryan finished off his coffee before putting the mug in the sink. After that he didn’t know what to do, so he sat still on his chair and thought. His thoughts headed in different directions, first to Esposito and what could have happened if he hadn’t offered a trade, but simply invited Ryan into bed with him. Those thoughts were amazing, but they were chased away by memories of his ex-boyfriend and that terrible night when they had broken up. He was still thinking these thoughts when Esposito came back into the room and began to make breakfast.  
“You made coffee.” Esposito noted when he saw the mug in the sink. “I told you not to use the kitchen.”  
“It’s just a coffee, bro.” Ryan said and calling Esposito bro seemed the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t that he was remembering it was just that they had become close again over the week they had been living together.

*****

Esposito was worried about Jenny. She had called around the day after the catastrophe apologising for storming out and saying that she understood that he didn’t remember her. Ryan had stood at the opposite side of the room and mumbled that he was also sorry. Esposito could see the pain in Jenny’s eyes throughout the conversation. She wanted her Ryan back. The one who could remember their first date, their first kiss, falling in love with her, their wedding day, the one who knew she was pregnant. You could barely tell that Jenny was pregnant, Esposito could see the change because he knew her but Ryan probably thought she always looked that way. For Jenny it must seem like one of the worst things ever, she is going to have a baby and her husband doesn’t remember her at all. On the other hand Esposito could see what Ryan was going through. A stranger was standing their telling him how much she loves him and wants him to come home. All through the conversation Esposito felt this mix of emotions. He didn’t want Ryan to leave and he didn’t want Jenny to be hurt. Just as Ryan was agreeing to leave with her she made a joke that he didn’t respond to in anyway at all, it was an inside joke, he guessed. Jenny was crying again and telling him that he had to remember. Then she was shouting it and sobbing.  
“You have to remember, Kevin, you have to. I can’t live like this. We can’t live like this. We’re married for god’s sake. I love you and you don’t even know me!” Her words were full of pain and rage.  
“I’m sorry, Jenny, I really am.” Ryan’s voice was a broken whisper. It was full of agony, anyone could see he really wished he remembered. “But I don’t remember at the moment. I want to remember, I want to, but I can’t just remember! I don’t think this is going to work at the moment, not until I remember or you calm down a bit.” And Jenny had stormed out again. Esposito was torn between running after her and pulling Ryan to his chest. Tears were running down his cheeks although he was trying to hide it. Esposito compromised by leaning against the wall and running his hands through his hair.

After the disastrous meeting with Jenny, Ryan sat down on the sofa with his head in his hands. It was a while before he spoke.  
“She loves me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement in such a broken voice. Esposito wanted to pull him into his arms and make everything better. Instead he took a seat next to him on the sofa. “She loves me and I don’t know her. I understand that it must feel horrible for her. But it’s horrible for me too. She wants me to go home and be her husband just like before, to know everything I’m supposed to know and love her like I used to, but she’s just a stranger to me. Imagine if you had to live with someone who you didn’t know, but they knew everything about you.” His voice shattered at that point, misery and anger colliding in his words. He returned his face to his hands. Esposito didn’t know what to do for a few seconds, but then he put his arms on Ryan’s good shoulder.  
“You don’t have to go and live with her. You are welcome to stay here as long as you need to, okay? You don’t even need to see her for a while. Why don’t you both just let this cool down and then maybe you could try and introduce yourself, like starting over.” He felt Ryan sink into him and let all the stress roll off of his shoulders. They stayed together like that for a while without speaking until Ryan left to go to sleep.

Esposito stayed up for a long time into the night watching telly. When he finally turned it off to go to sleep he had a very hard time actually nodding off. His sofa was very comfortable during the day, but at night it was far too thin to sleep on. He lay stiff and straight in the hope that he wouldn’t fall off like Ryan had. It was his second night on the sofa and it just felt more uncomfortable than before. From somewhere in the apartment building he could hear a baby wailing. The cop in him made him want to find the baby just in case, but the rest of his brain told him to calm down because babies cried, it’s just what they do. Moonlight came in through gaps in the blinds and streamed onto Esposito’s face. He couldn’t believe Ryan had spent five nights on the sofa without complaining. Esposito didn’t know how many nights he would last on the sofa, but he did know he couldn’t let Ryan sleep on the sofa again.

The next day Esposito was sitting at the kitchen, video chatting to Beckett on one of her cases when Ryan walked in. Esposito could tell from his eyes that he was in one of those rare blackout moments. Ryan looked like a lost puppy as he sort of drifted into the kitchen. Esposito cursed and then put his pushed the top of his laptop down a bit so Beckett didn’t see Ryan like that. He got up and walked over to Ryan slowly, then put a hand on each of his shoulders, avoiding the area where he had been shot.  
“Ryan, Ryan? Hey, Ryan can you hear me? Okay, bro, I need you to sit down. Ryan? Can you sit down for me?” Ryan didn’t respond so Esposito gently guided him over to the sofa and sat him down. He watched Ryan carefully as he went back to his laptop. “Sorry about that.” He mumbled.  
“What was happening? Is everything okay?” She seemed so concerned and he guessed she had heard him talking to Ryan.  
“Yeah, Ryan just had this blackout moment where he forgets what is going on. I think he’s back now.” Ryan was sitting on the sofa with a confused expression like he had no idea how he had gotten there.  
“Why am I on the sofa, bro?” He asked and Beckett laughed.  
“Now he’s okay you can get back to work.” She said and Esposito continued to check out the crime scene.

Later that day Esposito saw Ryan with his old box again. He had tears in his eyes and it made Esposito’s heart ache a little. He wanted to take the box away and hug Ryan until he stopped looking like a wounded puppy. But instead he cleared his throat so Ryan would know he was there. Ryan quickly gathered everything back into the box and put the box don, upside down on the coffee table as if even the lid was too private for Esposito to see. Neither of them noticed the one photo that fell down onto the sofa where it was covered by the blanket that fell off Ryan as he stood up and went into the bedroom. Esposito wished they would just talk about the box already. He wished Ryan would tell him what was in it, why it made him so upset, why he kept looking at it or at least acknowledge the fact that it did make him upset.

That night when Esposito pulled the blanket around him on the sofa he felt the edge of the photo under his legs. He pulled it out and knew instantly that it must be from Ryan’s box. In the moonlight he could hardly see it so he turned on the light. It was facing down and Esposito hesitated. He knew it was Ryan’s and he should just leave it but he was so curious, and he couldn’t help Ryan deal with it until he knew what it was. He quickly flipped the picture over. It was of Ryan and a guy. Ryan was younger than he was now by a few years. He looked really happy, so did the other guy. Their arms were wrapped around each other and they were leaning into each other. If Esposito didn’t know any better he would say they were a couple. That would explain why Ryan was so upset by the pictures, he had said he had just been through a break up when his memories stop. They did look very good together. It also explained why Ryan was so confused when he learned he had a wife and why he kept the box hidden so well, even the top of it which probably had the other man’s name on it. But Esposito knew Ryan and he had never seen him with a boyfriend, they used to go out and try to get dates together. How could he not have known this?

The next day, when Ryan walked out of the bedroom, dressed and washed, Esposito considered asking him about the photo. However, he didn’t have the courage to say anything to his best friend. Instead he hid the photo under the sofa when Ryan wasn’t watching and went to shower. When he came back Ryan had made them both coffees. Esposito scolded him for using the kitchen but he wasn’t serious about it. His mind was still focussing on the picture and how happy Ryan looked. It was a kind of joy Esposito had never seen on his face before. He had seen him look happy, truly happy, but it was different to how he looked in the picture and Esposito was trying to figure out why. He gasped when he realised and Ryan gave him a strange look. In that photo Ryan looked like an open book, all his emotions on the surface, completely open and honest, as long as Esposito had known him there had been a wall there. It wasn’t noticeable unless you saw him without the wall there, like in the photo. He wondered what had happened to make Ryan lose this light, carefree side of himself. Was it just the breakup or was it after that? Not even Ryan would know, not unless he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is going to be a little while until I can post my next chapter because I am going to be away without my laptop. But it will get updated as soon as I come home.


	4. Chapter 4

Esposito was back in the 12th, Ryan was with him. It wasn’t an advisable situation, but it was what they had to do. Esposito had been told that he was no longer allowed to work by video chat and needed to go back into work and Ryan didn’t have anywhere to go and couldn’t be left alone yet. Castle and Beckett were pleased to see him but neither of them knew how to act around Ryan. They hadn’t had any time to get used to him like Esposito had. Beckett and Castle along were halfway through a case that Esposito had been helping with by video chat. Ryan was taking a moment to familiarise himself with the case with Esposito, Castle and Beckett discussed the details. It wasn’t long before Beckett and Castle were doing their freaky sentence finishing trick and everyone was on their way to talk to someone. Ryan was trying to get involved in the case, which was good because he was a detective but bad because he still wasn’t feeling a hundred per cent himself not to mention the fact that he didn’t have his memories. Esposito was trying to stop him from getting involved but he couldn’t exactly shut the man up while they were talking to a suspect. 

When the day was over and Ryan and Esposito returned home, Ryan went straight to bed. He was used to not doing much after the incident and got tired very quickly. Esposito was surprised that he had lasted the whole day, but then he never liked to show any signs of weakness. Esposito wanted to spend his time thinking about the case. It was a tricky one, the vic’s husband, who had been having an affair, fit the bill for prime suspect, but he had a solid alibi. Everyone else they’d called in so far had also alibied out. They were rapidly running out of options. Although the case was interesting, Esposito found his mind wandering back to the photo. Why would Ryan never say anything to him? They were partners, they were supposed to be close, they weren’t supposed to keep such massive secrets from each other. Was he afraid of how Esposito would take it? Surely he knew that they were partners no matter what. Surely he knew Esposito would always have his back. 

That night Esposito pulled the photo out from under the sofa to look at it again. It was just some stupid picture, why was he obsessing about it so much? Ryan just looked so happy, so honest, almost innocent. He looked at the way they were so close to each other, tucked against each other and it looked so safe. Maybe Esposito was envious, envious of that safety, of how obvious it is that they are in love. A tiny part of him wishes he was in that photo. He has given up chasing that part away. Maybe if Ryan was still completely his Ryan, memories and all, Esposito would tell him. But probably not; he wouldn’t want to spoil what they already had. After long time thinking about that photo Esposito eventually put it down on the coffee table and fell asleep. Deeply asleep. So deep in fact, that he didn’t notice Ryan walking in in the morning and picking the photo off the coffee table.

*****

After Ryan had woken up, showered and got dressed, he had wandered out into the living room. He had seen it immediately. It was a strip of white, a photo lying face down on the coffee table. Even the back of it seemed familiar. Esposito was still asleep so Ryan tiptoed over to it and picked it up. He was so shocked at what he saw that he almost dropped the photo. It was from his box. It was a photo of him and his ex and Esposito had seen it. For a minute he felt like crying, it wasn’t like him too be so weak, but Esposito knew. Ryan only wondered how much he had deduced from the picture alone. Probably a lot, considering he was a detective. Esposito stirred, snapping Ryan out of a trance. He had to make a quick decision: Should he keep the photo with him to alert Esposito of the fact he knew the photo had been there, and therefore knew that Esposito had seen it, or should he leave it and leave Esposito completely unaware that the photo had ever been seen. He was interrupted by a noise from the sofa as Esposito stirred again. Ryan dropped the photo onto the coffee table and darted back into the bedroom. Esposito would probably figure out he had seen it because it wouldn’t be in the same place, having been abandoned hastily. 

Ryan waited in the bedroom until he heard Esposito moving around in the other room. He then made his way out into the living room. The picture had been moved, but Ryan guessed it was under the sofa, there was nowhere else Esposito could have hidden it so quickly. He walked into the kitchen where Esposito was making breakfast. From the tension in the air, Ryan knew Esposito knew that he had seen the picture. When Esposito had served breakfast for himself and Ryan they sat in silence for a few minutes. Ryan knew he had to address the situation.  
“His name is Michael.” Ryan said. Esposito looked very confused for a minute. “From the picture, the other man, his name is Michael. I know you saw it and I know that you know I know.” As soon as Ryan finished speaking silence filled the room again. It became clear to Ryan that Esposito wasn’t going to say anything. “I don’t appreciate you not telling me that you’ve taken my stuff bro.”  
“Look I’m sorry but I didn’t know what it was, it was just on the sofa and I saw it and then I didn’t know what to do. I would’ve said something to you but I didn’t know if you wanted me to see it or not.” Ryan could see how uncomfortable Esposito was and it made him nervous, was he homophobic?  
“If you have any problems with it…”  
“No, not at all, so… is he the person you broke up with just before the whole memory thing?” Esposito said. Ryan just nodded, now they had acknowledged Michael, Ryan didn’t want to dwell on it. 

Things were different after that confrontation, barely, you would only notice it if you really looked, bit every silence seemed slightly more uncomfortable and less companionable. There was no shift in the friendship, they were as close as they had ever been since Ryan had lost his memories, but there was definitely something going on. Castle and Beckett didn’t seem to notice it, maybe Esposito hadn’t either. Maybe it didn’t even exist and Ryan was just reading things into it. It was irritating when he could feel a slight awkwardness and couldn’t change it. It was also irritating the way he wanted a fresh start with everyone because he was meeting them for the first time, but they kept treating him like an old friend. Sometimes Ryan would get this overwhelming feeling like he was viewing the world from behind glass. He should know things that he didn’t, like all the little inside jokes his ‘friends’ had. He was clinging to Esposito like he was a rock and Ryan was a person about to be swept over the edge of a waterfall. Esposito still wanted the old Ryan back, but Ryan had gotten used to him, become his friend all over again so he could look past that.

Ryan was finding work to be very tiring, but he was officially back. He had been due to start at the 12th a few days after his memory stopped so to him it felt a lot like starting his job. However, there were a few thongs he still had to get used to. The first was the layout of the precinct, but he guessed he would pick it up shortly. Another thing was Richard Castle. It took Ryan a while to get used to the concept of a writer following a detective around. Normally everyone had to be kept off of crime scenes, why was this man an exception? He did seem like genuinely nice person but Ryan didn’t see Captain Gates ever letting him start following a detective around. Eventually he just asked.  
“How on Earth did you get Gates to allow you to follow Beckett around?” There was a pause and the mood dampened slightly.  
“Gates wasn’t working here when Castle started following me around. We had a different captain. Montgomery. He was nice, practically one of us. Castle has ties with the mayor and so he got the mayor to ask Montgomery if Castle could follow me for one of his books.” Beckett informed him. He could tell that they had really loved Montgomery by the way they spoke about him. Ryan didn’t like being the one who lowered all of their spirits but he didn’t want to stay in the dark either. He had begun to except the fact that it was unlikely his memories would ever truly come back to him. The others hadn’t accepted that yet.

After another day at work Ryan collapsed onto Esposito’s bed. It had been two weeks since Esposito had given up his bed, which meant Ryan had been living there for three weeks. His mind was aching after being up for too long, he still got tired very quickly. It was unusual for him to have enough energy for dinner after work unless they had a particularly uneventful day. Today had been interesting and Ryan’s mind should have been whirring but he was too exhausted. He didn’t even bother to get changed, he just fell asleep, sprawled out on top of the covers. This was how he had been sleeping most nights and he knew that Esposito eventually had to come through to use the bathroom. He felt bad about the fact he had been in the way for so long, but he wasn’t ready to talk to Jenny. It might take a long time until he was ready for that.

*****

Esposito tiptoed through the bedroom. Ryan was sprawled out on the bed again and Esposito had the urge to pull the covers over him. Instead, he walked right past him. On the way back out to the living room he stood a bit longer. Ryan looked so peaceful lying there, but Esposito wished he had more energy so that he could at least get ready for be in the evenings. It was horrible that he was always too tired. Esposito was getting worried about him. He was losing weight and although he was getting used to being in their old group, he seemed to have given up on his memories ever coming back. Esposito wasn’t exactly an optimist, but in this case he couldn’t allow himself to give up on Ryan’s memories coming back. Maybe because he was just coming to grips with the fact he definitely had feelings for Ryan but couldn’t act on them now without feeling like he was taking advantage of his lack of memories.

Esposito spent a lot of time watching Ryan when his head was turned. He really did have the most amazing eyes. Esposito wandered, if he had known about Michael before, would he have paid more attention towards his feelings? Nights spent on the sofa were beginning to take their toll. After two weeks of it Esposito’s back was beginning to hurt badly. Ryan had noticed. Maybe it was being a cop that made you not want to show when you were in pain. Maybe it was just human nature. But Esposito had been trying to hide as best he could. However, it eventually became too much for him, he would groan slightly whenever he moved.  
“Espo, your back is killing you. Don’t try to deny it, you can’t even move without wincing. You have to take your bed back. I can sleep on the sofa.” Ryan said after it got very bad. Of course Esposito had promised himself that he couldn’t allow Ryan to sleep on the sofa ever again so they argued for a little while before Esposito came up with a compromise. He was slightly scared to say it out loud in case Ryan didn’t react well, but it really was the best solution.  
“It’s clear you aren’t going to drop this, but I am not letting you sleep on the sofa so we could maybe share the bed. Or I can keep sleeping on the sofa.”  
“Sharing the bed is cool with me.” Ryan said without any hesitation as if he didn’t find it awkward at all. Maybe it was just because Esposito was overthinking it. 

That night, (it had been a weekend and so Ryan was able to stay up a bit later than usual after no work,) they both went into the bedroom. Ryan showered first and then Esposito went in after he came out. When Esposito got back out into the bedroom, Ryan was already lying in bed under the covers.  
“I didn’t know if you had a preferred side of the bed or not. But you can tell me to move.” Ryan said, his voice more of a mumble because of his sleepiness. Esposito shook his head. Getting into bed with Ryan seemed sort of unrealistic, they weren’t even really on a first name basis, but that was because they were detectives and used to using last names. Ryan looked good lying there and Esposito wished this meant more than it actually did. He wished lying in that bed would involve pulling Ryan into his arms rather than them both lying with a gap that could have been eternity between them. The bed was warm beneath the covers from Ryan’s body heat and Esposito relaxed into it as he turned off the light. He kept his back to Ryan because he didn’t know how he would respond if he turned around and found himself face to face with Ryan in such a tight, intimate space.

When he woke up he forgot that Ryan was there and went to roll over, finding himself staring at the sleep softened face of his partner. For a brief second he thought he was still dreaming or that… but then he came to his senses. The room was dimly light by a small ray of sunshine streaming in through the edges of the curtains. Ryan shifted slightly and Esposito closed his eyes, not wanting to get up and not wanting Ryan to find him staring. He felt Ryan’s leg brush against his as Ryan moved and fought to stay still. Esposito felt the bed move as Ryan stretched out and opened one eye slightly as Ryan got up. Esposito watched him walk into the bathroom before getting out of bed himself. He stretched and tried to shake off all the stupid and impossible thoughts that crowded his brain. He was just being kind to his partner that was all. They were just friends, nothing more. 

That morning a slight awkwardness hung in the air. Neither of them were talking about the fact they had slept together. Not in that way. Esposito couldn’t start a conversation about that, what would he say. Anything he said made it sound like they had Slept Together, slept together. Images flashed through his brain and he mentally shook them away. This whole arrangement was ridiculous. What was he supposed to do about it? It was torture having Ryan so close to him without being able to do anything. He guessed that Ryan was probably okay to be by himself now, but he had nowhere to stay unless he wanted to move back in with Jenny and Esposito didn’t want to force him into that. They would just have to keep going like this and get over the slight awkwardness.

*****


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in ages. I was doing NaNoWriMo and then I had exams and then it was nearly Christmas. I'm also just really great at procrastinating and I apologise. I hope you like this new chapter. It's been too long.

Ryan was trying to pretend that the situation he and Esposito had going on with sharing the bed was purely for practical reasons. It made sense, but honestly if it was only for practical reasons then Ryan would have argued more about Esposito letting him sleep on the sofa so that he wouldn’t be a further nuisance. There was just something so wonderful about waking up to see Esposito lying there, something so amazing about the smell of him over everything. So what if it came at a price? A slight awkwardness in the evenings and mornings, it wore off during the day and everything felt like it should. Well as much like it should as Ryan knew, considering he was missing a chunk of his memories. There was another price. That urge that Ryan got to just lean over and kiss him. But that feeling was equal parts delicious and painful. Overall it was worth it, even if it was dangerous. Esposito didn’t seem to notice the struggle Ryan went through to not kiss him, which was a job well done, really. As long as Esposito didn’t know, Ryan was doing a good job of not ruining their friendship. After all, he could regain his memories at any moment and he would be infinitely pissed off with himself for going ahead with something while not aware of all the facts surrounding the situation. Sometimes Ryan thought it would just be better to throw caution to the wind and give in, but then he realised that he didn’t want to risk scaring Esposito away. It wasn’t just about the fact that Ryan had become so used to being around him, had become his friend again. It was also because of the fact that if he fell out with Esposito, if Esposito didn’t want to be around him anymore, Ryan would have nowhere to go. So he pushed away all thoughts to the back of his mind and continued on with his so called recovery.

As Ryan became used to working in the 12th and the group became used to the fact that he didn’t have all the memories he should he was able to become friends with all those who had apparently been his friends before. Castle was still somewhat a mystery to him. He didn’t understand how a writer could get access to places that even reporters weren’t often allowed. But Castle was funny, if a little cocky, and Ryan began to be less wary of him. Castle and Beckett would always have different opinions on cases, Castle was all for the unusual, the way that would create a better story, Beckett however, was down to Earth, she believed that everything had a logical explanation much to Castle’s annoyance. The first time Ryan witnessed this disagreement he noticed the way Esposito would roll his eyes at the writer. Esposito was clearly the type of person wo didn’t believe in crazy fantasies. Despite Ryan’s open mindedness he desperately wanted to fit in at the 12th so he sided with Esposito and Beckett thinking this was safer. He was wrong. Apparently he would always take Castle’s side in arguments and when he didn’t it reminded everyone that he was not the Ryan that they knew. It was a painful shock when everyone stopped what they were doing momentarily. They didn’t say anything but Ryan had learnt to spot the look that came to their faces when he did something out of character, or different to their version of him. It was a look of shock followed by sadness, that horror when you realise your brain has been glossing over the unnatural and upsetting to show you only wjat you want to believe and suddenly that image flickers ad you see the truth hidden behind it. Ryan tried to ignore it because that was what they were doing, but it grated at him. He had done something wrong and they were treating him differently. Eventually Castle pulled him aside.   
“You normally side with me, no matter how crazy my theory, you normally go along with it. Not completely, but you keep more of an open mind than Espo.” He had decided just not to input into debates between Castle and Beckett because he didn’t want to risk any further damage. But there was no avoiding the fact that Ryan had not recovered his memories and he had to see his friends being shocked and upset every single day. 

Once he was at the 12th and just about to walk into the break room for a coffee when he saw Beckett, Castle and Esposito all gathered around together drinking. They were talking about him.   
“But don’t you think it’s time? He’s been at yours for so long. We have to face the fact that he may never recover his memories. And she has to face it as well. It might be better for everyone if she returns home, Espo. At the very least, he should try talking to her again. They are married, they can’t just avoid each other! And he can’t sleep on your sofa for the rest of his life!” Beckett said. Castle nodded every time she made a point. Ryan coughed from the doorway, letting them all know he was there. They turned, all three with guilty looks on their faces.   
“I can try. I can try and talk to her.” Ryan said, trying to hide the desperate edge to his voice. “But it’s harder than with you guys. To her we’ve had a life, she’s pregnant and I don’t remember. I don’t remember meeting her and I don’t remember marrying her. She doesn’t want someone she can fall in love with, she wants the person she is already in love with. I’m not that person!” They stood, stock still, clearly they had no idea how to respond to him. Eventually Castle replied.   
“I’m sorry, I really am. But I can see where she is coming from. She needs you. Maybe you just need to remind her that you don’t remember. Maybe you just need to try and start fresh.” Ryan shook his head slowly.   
“Like I said, I’ll try.” He walked over to get a coffee as the group disbanded, leaving the break room. When they had all left, Ryan allowed himself to sink to the floor, back against the wall. There was no way Jenny would understand. From what he had seen of her already she was not the type. Plus, he still didn’t know why they were even together.

This time they’d chosen to meet up in a coffee shop, maybe Esposito was trying to replicate a first date. He guided Ryan over to a table and there she was. She was nervously biting her lip and drumming her nails on the table top. He could see this time, the bump where the baby was, Esposito had talked to him about it but he hadn’t been able to see it before. It only hurt him more. She stood to greet him and they shook hands before sitting opposite each other. Ryan could feel Esposito’s unsurely hovering, deciding whether to stay or to go. Ryan reached out and grabbed his sleeve gently tugging it like a child until Esposito sunk into the chair next to him.   
“Kevin,” Jenny said politely, but somewhat coldly, “it’s been a while.” It was all so formal, so stiff, like they were reading a script aloud for the first time together.   
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t think it was wise to meet up again so soon. Not after…” He trailed off. Esposito nodded at him reassuringly.   
“I understand and I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have responded like that. I understand this is hard for you, but maybe it would help you remember if you just came home.” Ryan wanted to tell the truth, he wanted to say that he didn’t think it would help at all but she had already been through so much, it seemed unfair. Instead he shrugged and gave a non-committal maybe. “Good. So it’s settled. You’re coming home then!” She said, smiling. Panic began to well inside Ryan. This was moving far too quickly, he only came to talk to her, to begin to get to know her again. He wasn’t prepared for this. But he didn’t want to rush her, he didn’t want to break her heart again.   
“Umm, I’m not sure I’m ready for that Jenny. I just…” He started.   
“Don’t, please. It’ll be okay Kev, I won’t rush you. I just think that the sooner you come home, the sooner you are in a familiar environment, the sooner you can heal. Plus, I’m sure Esposito is anxious to get his sofa back, even if he pretends otherwise.” Ryan hesitated for a little while. What she was saying was probably true, no matter how much he wanted it to be otherwise.   
“I’m sure he is.” Ryan said and Esposito protested politely. “I want to move forward with this, to get on with my life but…”   
“I need you Kevin. I need you to get used to being at home again. I’m not expecting everything to go back to normal. I just want to help you.” She seemed so kind in those moments and Ryan remembered that moving in with Esposito was pretty much the same, they were both strangers to him and they both already knew him well. Eventually he agreed. Mainly because he didn’t want to keep being in Esposito’s way and also because he couldn’t face hurting Jenny any more than he already had.

*****

They went back to Esposito’s agreeing that Ryan should move in three days to give him time to get ready. Esposito’s heart stung at the prospect that soon he would be arriving to an empty flat. He had survived it before and would survive it again, but he knew the place would be lonely without Ryan. Ryan seemed to be calm but Esposito could sense how nervous he was. If there was a way to comfort him, Esposito could not see it. He tried to be reassuring, tried to be calm as well, but truthfully he didn’t want Ryan to leave. How do you encourage someone to do somtheing that you don’t want them to do? When the time came Esposito was still not ready so he could hardly begin to imagine how Ryan felt. They went over to Ryan’s flat together and Esposito stayed for dinner with them to ease Ryan into it. Everything felt off slightly, like the whole thing was nothing more than a dream, one that was so close to reality you could hardly tell the difference. After the meal, Esposito said goodbye to Ryan, pulling him in for a brief, half hug. He resisted the urge to cling to him a bit more. He felt slightly lost on the drive home, trying desperately to ignore the fact that he was returning to an empty flat. For some reason, he felt guilty as he drove away. It made no sense, he was doing this for Ryan, he was helping him. So why did it feel so much like he was abandoning him?

The flat was cold, when Esposito opened the door. It was cold, dark and empty. Looking at it without Ryan he realised just how bare it was. That night as he lay in his bed he could feel Ryan’s absence like someone had cut a chunk out of him. It felt like something vital was missing, which was ridiculous because when Ryan still had his memories he would never have slept here and that was when there was nothing missing at all. Esposito cursed himself, cursed the emptiness and rolled over. It was so quiet without the noise of Ryan breathing beside him. Eventually he gave up on going to sleep and got up. He wandered into the living room and collapsed on the sofa. But his whole apartment smelt faintly like Ryan. There was only one thing for it. Esposito left to go for a run. The sky was clear and the street was empty as Esposito ran. He didn’t keep track of where he was going and with no destination in mind he just let himself go wherever his feet took him. When he had begun to clear his mind he began to head home, but the flat didn’t seem any more inviting.

The next day he was back at the 12th and Ryan was there. He was smiling and laughing with Castle and Beckett. Esposito’s heart leapt. Did this mean his memories had come back? On closer inspection he realised that Ryan was just laughing because he was happy. He seemed less cautious, less like he was a child afraid to step on the cracks. One night could not do this to a person could it?  
“Espo! I just want to thank you for letting me stay at your flat. I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t.” Up close, Ryan’s smile seemed a little too wide, but maybe it was just because Esposito wasn’t used to it.   
“No problem bro.” He replied. He wanted to join in with the high spirits, but he had hardly slept at all the night before. His eyelids were heavy and he had a headache pounding in his temples.   
“What’s up bro, you look awful” Ryan asked.   
“Thanks! I’m just tired, I didn’t sleep well last night.” Esposito said and it sounded frighteningly close to admitting how empty the flat was without Ryan. He brushed it off and then walked past the group to the murder board. They soon got back to work and Esposito could almost pretend that nothing was wrong, if it weren’t for the fact that he was struggling to stay awake. After a while Beckett and Castle went off to interrogate a suspect. Ryan went off to the break room and Esposito stayed staring at the murder board. He wasn’t aware he had been drifting off until he felt the warmth of Ryan’s hand on his shoulder. He snapped awake to see Ryan standing over him so close that Esposito could have leant up and kissed him. His breath caught in his throat and his nerves tingled. Ryan said nothing, he just pressed a cup of coffee into Esposito’s hand and walked back over to his desk. 

The flat didn’t feel any less empty when Esposito returned. He hated it. He hated that it no longer felt completely like home without Ryan. He hated that Ryan was probably sitting with Jenny and laughing like he had been at the 12th today. He hated himself for wishing Ryan wasn’t there, for hoping that Ryan was missing being there as much as Esposito was missing him. They were supposed to be friends, Esposito was supposed to wanted him to be happy. He wished he was over there in Ryan’s flat, but he knew it wouldn’t be enough for him. He had let himself get too close to Ryan, he had let himself get too attached. Ryan was married for goodness sake, and he was a guy. It was crazy. It was almost enough to make him go crawling back to Lanie for but there would be no shred of dignity in that. Esposito was above that. Plus, he knew even Lanie couldn’t fix this. Maybe he just had to let time slowly rub away the evidence of Ryan from his flat, to let his feeling fade back to just friendship. Maybe that wasn’t possible. He would just have to wait and see, there wasn’t anything he could do.


End file.
